Bad American

Today’s Contemporary Americana!

I actually have some work to do today, but I couldn’t let this pass without comment. Don’t ever say I won’t cover left-wing-nuttery.

New Haven Register

NEW HAVEN — Sheridan Communications and Technology Middle School eighth-grader Michael Sheridan was suspended from school for three days, barred from attending an honors student dinner and stripped of his title of class vice president.

His offense?

He bought a bag of Skittles.

The punishment was meted out because the New Haven school system banned candy sales and fundraisers in 2003 as part of the districtwide school wellness policy.

“There are no candy sales allowed in schools, period,” said school spokeswoman Catherine Sullivan-DeCarlo.

SKITTLES . . . IST. . . VERBOTEN!!!

Well at least he didn’t get three days in the cooler.

Michael’s mother, Shelli Sheridan, is lobbying to reduce her son’s punishment, claiming he’s a top student with no previous disciplinary problems. According to Shelli Sheridan, the student who sold the candy, whom she did not identify, also was suspended.

“Why did we go to that extreme?” she said.

Well that’s a great American question: why DO we seem to go to extremes? What is it in our national DNA lately that engenders such outsized punishments for such piddling offenses? Do they believe that if a package of Skittles gets by than next thing you know they’ll be trafficking in bags of smack?

Or maybe the school has all of its students weighed regularly and if they student body gets too fat they lose state reimbursement?

Here’s how the intrepid school cops busted this nefarious candy ring:

Michael Sheridan claims he was in a school hallway after lunch Feb. 26 when a classmate asked if he wanted some candy. The student had a lunch box filled with candy and a wad of money, he said.

While Michael said he was unaware the sale was agaiSick, nst school policy, he admitted the student selling it “was being secretive.” When a school administrator noticed the transaction, Michael said the student “threw the candy.” He said he pocketed the Skittles, still not sure anything was wrong.

Michael said the administrator asked to see the contents of his pockets. At that moment, Michael said he realized he was in trouble.

You can almost imagine a scene straight out of “Cops:” — “UP AGAINST THE WALL, SPREAD ‘EM!! WHERE’D HE STASH THE SKITTLES?!?! AH HERE THEY ARE - WE GOT THE EVIDENCE ON THIS SCUMBAG. WHAT WERE YOU PLANNING ON DOING WITH THESE, HUH?”

Yes, our societal sickness continues to spread. “Zo, you thought you could get avay vit selling candy in our Stalag, nicht wahr?”

Turner had repeatedly warned students that she would not allow any candy to be sold in schools, nor did she want money changing hands in school, said Sullivan-DeCarlo. She said it was her understanding that the student was suspended for insubordination, which is what the district considered the candy exchange.

Insubordination. I suppose it’s the Cartman effect: YOU WILL RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH!!!!

Aside from the nutrition issue, Sullivan-DeCarlo maintained the money students carry presents a security concern.

Huh? Do the ‘terrorists’ want our kids’ lunch money now?

A copy of the district’s policy given to the New Haven Register Tuesday says that “no candy or junk food fundraisers will be allowed on school grounds” and that only “healthy snacks will be sold in vending machines selling food products.”

Ah, yes, here we have the REAL reason - the school undoubtedly gets a cut. Once you start letting Skittles in the school, next come the Snickers and then the Milky Ways and pretty soon, before you know it, profits get cut.

Turner referred all comment on the case to Sullivan-DeCarlo.

Ah yes, the brave school prinicpals always hiding behind the flacks and the attorneys. Teaches kids what kind of society they’re growing up in - in more ways than one.